


Cool My Brain

by SonicaSpeed123



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Autistic Sonic the Hedgehog, Discussion of mental illness, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oneshot, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shadow has a panic disorder, Stimming, Supportive Shadow, Texting, Triggers, gunshot mention, self-harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:42:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29582550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonicaSpeed123/pseuds/SonicaSpeed123
Summary: Sonic's insomnia is getting the better of him.  So is the rest of his brain.In a last ditch effort to distract himself, he has a talk with Shadow about mental illness.
Relationships: E-123 Omega & Rouge the Bat & Shadow the Hedgehog, E-123 Omega & Shadow the Hedgehog, Rouge the Bat & Shadow the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog & Sonic the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog/Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 20
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had a rough night so i did what any normal person does and wrote about it but with sonic instead of me.

Sonic twisted around in his bed for the hundredth time that night. He threw the blanket off of him, which helped for a minute, but his discomfort was only partly physical.

He groaned, turning over again and reaching for his phone. He distracted himself momentarily with it, but eventually, his feeds ran out of new posts.

He desperately wanted to sleep, but he knew that whatever was wrong with him tonight wasn't going to let him.

He opened a game and fucked around with that for a few minutes. He started losing rounds, and that only served to make him frustrated. He knew he was better than this.

_Okay, shut up. It's a game. Just a game._

He tried one more match, but pathetically failed again. He stared at the results screen, feeling the self hatred start to seep in.

He willed himself to stay completely still as his intrusive thoughts conjured up different ways to punish himself for being so useless.

He took a deep breath, and they passed. He closed the game.

He gently scratched at his arms to get rid of the feeling the intrusive thoughts gave him.

_At least you didn't hurt yourself this time. That's progress._

_Next time you probably will, though._

God, he hated this.

Every nerve in his brain was alert, agitated, and seemingly conspiring against him.

He shifted again, turning the pillow to the cool side. It was nice, but he still had a headache. Probably from looking at his phone when he was trying to sleep.

He closed his eyes and tried to think of something calming. The beach. Nice waves, sunshine, that kind of thing. But his brain hijacked his imagination, ringing an unbearably grating sound through his head. Like a scratchy fire alarm.

"Agh, _why!?"_ He groaned aloud. He was so tired. And now, overstimulated. Thanks to his own stupid brain.

Okay, overstimulated. He could fix that. Clean off the bed.

He sat up and started moving things around, giving him a clean, empty space to lay in. It still wasn't enough to calm him down, so he moved on to the rest of the room.

Once he finished that, he crashed back into bed.

Now the texture of the sheets against his fur was wrong.

He stood _again_ to put on pajamas, putting a layer between his fur and the bedsheets.

Even after all that, he was still wired.

He sighed and rubbed his temples, trying to dispel the static building behind his eyes.

He grabbed his phone again, and sent a message to Shadow. It was the last thing he could think to do.

[Hey, i can't sleep]

He didn't expect a response, let alone one so soon.

[Unfortunate. Is something wrong?]

[Yeah my head's just fucking with me tonight. Idk. Why are you up??]

[I can't sleep either.]

[Anything I can do to help?]

[I guess i just need to talk]

[I feel like my brain is on fire]

[Not sure if its panic]

[Or mania]

[Or whatever]

[I've been there.]

[Sorry you're going through it]

[I'll be fine. Eventually haha]

Shadow started typing, then stopped. God, that did _not_ help his anxiety. He started typing again, and Sonic stared breathlessly at the icon until his next message appeared.

[I'm glad you decided to talk to me about it. I have a panic disorder, so I have trouble sleeping often, too.]

Sonic blinked. He knew _something_ was up with Shadow- with his traumatic past, he'd be more shocked if he _wasn't_ mentally ill- but he'd never actually talked about it with him.

[I dont know what I have lmao]

[Im not diagnosed with anything] 

[Technically]

[But somethings wrong]

[You know yourself best. If you can tell something's wrong, then something's wrong.]

He forced himself to type out the next message, not pausing to doubt himself.

[I think im autistic]

He rushed to explain himself.

[Like i dont act autistic but it makes too much sense. I relate to autistic ppl too much for it to be a coincidence]

[There is no one specific way that autistics act, it's a spectrum]

[It's certainly possible]

[Like I get overstimulated and social interactions drain me so fast and]

[Oh]

[I dont know why i thought u wouldnt believe me lmao]

[Self doubt can manifest that way]

[I do believe you, Sonic. I've noticed some neurodivergent traits but didn't think it was appropriate to bring them up]

[Wait really]

[Like what]

[You stim a lot]

[A LOT]

[It's endearing honestly]

[Snodandk WHAT REALLY]

[WHAT DO I DO]

[When you flick your nose? And shaking your hands when you're excited? Tapping your foot when you're nervous?]

[Oh my god]

[And you do this head tilt when you're overstimulated]

[That one might be a tic though]

[Wow im. Not normal akdnskd]

[Whats the difference]

[Between a stim and a tic]

[Generally, tics are involuntary and stims aren't]

[You've never wanted to be normal though]

[I guess not]

[Man i should see a doctor huh]

[If you think the diagnosis will help you, I'd recommend it. Especially if you struggle with feeling like you're making it all up]

[I thought I was having panic episodes for attention somehow]

[But remembering that someone else looked at me and saw the same thing helps with that feeling]

[Shadow you hate attention why would u fake a panic attack for attention ajdndkx]

[It's not logical but mental illness do be like that sometimes]

Sonic smiled as he responded.

[It really do be like that]

[I dunno sometimes i think its just anxiety and adhd cuz autism overlaps with those a lot]

[That's true]

[But either way]

[You need help right?]

[You don't have to wait until you break down to seek help]

[Learned that the hard way lol]

[Yeah]

[Thanks for talking shads]

[I really needed this]

[Anytime, I'm happy to help.]

[You're not alone.]

And that was what broke him. Tears finally welled up in his eyes and rolled down his muzzle, and he did nothing to stop them.

Of course, he knew this whole time that he had countless friends to turn to, but it was nice to hear it. Especially from Shadow.

When he was finished crying, his brain felt a bit cooler. Maybe he could actually get some sleep tonight?

[Thank you]

He typed out another message, but froze up. That was too strong, he couldn't send _that_. Shadow was just being a good friend. Well, he could still tell him he cared, right? But what if Shadow took it the wrong way and hated him for it?

He deleted the "I love you". For the sake of him hopefully getting to sleep.

He hoped to god that Shadow didn't watch him start and stop typing the same way Sonic always did.

[I'm glad I have you]

[I'm gonna try to get some sleep again]

[Good luck, lol]

[Let me know if you need to talk again]

[Good night ❤]

Sonic stared at the heart.

There was no way. He didn't know what it meant, right? He talked to Rouge a lot, it was probably just something he picked up from her. She used hearts in her messages to _everyone_.

Still, that meant Shadow was comfortable enough to send him a heart. Whether platonic or romantic, Sonic was happy to receive it.

He sent back a single heart and plugged his phone back in, rolling over in his bed.

He waited for it to buzz again, just in case, but it never came.

His eyes easily slipped closed, and he finally was able to rest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this was SUPPOSED to be a oneshot but then i kept writing. lkasdj  
> oh nooo not more content.. how horrific /s
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who commented and wished me a better day! I really appreciated it <3

Getting to sleep was alright for the next couple nights. Sonic couldn't say he was  _ well-rested  _ or anything, but he wasn't dragging himself out of bed with only two hours of unconsciousness under his belt. It honestly surprised him how much better he felt with a few extra hours of rest.

He thought a lot about what Shadow said the other night. About getting diagnosed. He wondered if he really needed it- it was gonna cost him some money, and just thinking about making the phone call scared him enough to want to crawl under a blanket and hide forever. But there was also the fact that if he did, he would actually know for certain what was going on in his head, and be able to put words to it.

He looked at his phone and  _ wanted  _ to reach for it, but his body wouldn't move. He thought about reaching over and picking it up. He focused on it. His arm shook a little, tense like a rubber band stretched to its limit.

_ Come on, it's not that hard, it's just a phone call! Just do it! _

The rubber band snapped, and his body finally moved. He opened his phone and searched for the correct number to dial. Why did hospitals have so many different phone numbers? What if he called the wrong one? The receptionist would be so annoyed, and they already had enough to deal with in a day, he was sure.

Maybe he shouldn't bother.

Maybe he could show up in person? For some reason, it was always easier when he could see the one he was talking to.

While he was scrolling through the list of numbers, his phone started ringing. He jumped a bit before reading the caller ID- it was Shadow.

He froze up again.

He couldn't answer the phone. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what Shadow wanted. How was he supposed to script a conversation if he didn't know what Shadow was going to say? But maybe it was important! Shadow had been texting him for the past few days, so if he needed to call, it  _ must  _ have been important!

Just as he was about to hit the answer button, the call disappeared.

_ Too fucking slow. _

Before he could think, he slammed his wrist into his temple as punishment. The pain tingled in his head for a moment until it was replaced with shame.

_ Call him back. It's important. _

_ But what do I say when he picks up? _

_ It doesn't matter, he needs you. What if he's dying? _

_ Why would he be dying? That doesn't make sense. If he was dying, he'd call an ambulance. _

_ You're so pathetic, you can't even help your friend. You just fail and hurt yourself.  _

He growled, wincing at the new ache in his head reminding him of what a monster he was.

The phone buzzed to life again.

_ Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!! _

He forced himself to hit the button and bring the phone to his ear.

"H-Hey, Shadow!" His voice was so much weaker than usual. He wanted to hide so badly.

In response, all he heard was some hurried, short breathing.

"...Shadow? You there?" He tried again, pushing himself to be louder.

"-Sonic? Oh, thank God-" Shadow didn't sound much better. His voice was broken up between gasps.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm hav- having a-" He stopped short. "What year is it?"

Sonic blinked at the odd question. He had to search through his frazzled mind to find the right answer, but he provided it. "2021."

"It's 2021." Shadow repeated the number back to him, sounding slightly assured. "-And I'm not on the ARK."

"No, you're not. You're on Mobius."

Shadow exhaled as if he'd just received the best news of his life.

"Shadow, are you okay?" His voice shook with concern, but for once he didn't care how he sounded.

"I'm having a panic attack." His voice was suddenly surprisingly steady and slow, and he sounded more like he was telling himself that than Sonic.

Suddenly, his anxiety was overridden by sympathy. "Oh, God- What do you need? How can I help?"

"I need to ground myself. Rouge isn't here, I can't ground myself. I'm all alone-" He inhaled sharply, and Sonic thought he heard him sob. "I'm alone-"

"I'm here, Shadow. I'm right here, you're not alone! Just breathe for me, okay?" Sonic stood and grabbed his shoes from the floor. "Do you need me to be there? I can come over!"

"Please, please, I can't be alone." He pleaded desperately.

"I'm on my way." He threw the door open and bolted through the forest.

_ "-Don't hang up!" _ Shadow shouted as if ending the call would sever his last tie to reality.

"I'm not, I'm right here. I'll be there soon, okay? How do you usually ground yourself?"

"-Oh my God, thank you. Thank you." His breath stuttered going in. "Rouge makes me fo- focus on the room I'm in."

"Okay," He jumped over a fallen branch, just barely avoiding tripping. "What color are the walls?"

"White."

"Describe the floor?"

Shadow inhaled and paused before answering. "It's hardwood. Hazelnut brown. There's a spot from where we spilled juice while we were staining it."

Sonic smiled as he broke out of the forest. The city came into view.

"Is there anything on the walls? Like, decorations?"

"Pictures," he responded a bit more quickly this time. "Pictures of our family and friends."

"Family?" He hopped onto the freeway, bobbing between cars as he headed downtown.

"Rouge and Omega and I."

He could practically hear his smile.

"Doing a bit better?"

"A little. Are you-"

"Almost there, Shadow." He turned down the hybrid's street. "Two minutes."

Sonic tore through the apartment complex's lobby, probably tipping over several decorative plants on his path. He didn't care. He skipped the elevator in favor of the stairs- he was  _ way  _ faster.

He found the right floor and skidded to a stop in front of the door.

"I'm here," he said between gasps. He hadn't run that fast in a while.

"In the kitchen."

Sonic took that as an invitation and opened the door, hurrying to where Shadow was sitting on the floor.

At first, Shadow didn't even notice him enter. He stared off into space, clutching his phone close to his ear and shaking.

Sonic crouched down to be on his level, but gave Shadow plenty of personal space. He ended the call and tossed his phone aside.

"Hey, what do you need?"

Shadow dropped his arm down as he looked at Sonic. His eyes immediately filled with tears.

"Hold me." He said, barely above a whisper.

Sonic scooted closer, wrapping his arms around Shadow, petting his quills. Shadow instantly mirrored him, holding tight.

He seemed to find the physical contact soothing, so Sonic kept running his hands through his quills.

"You're okay," he muttered, "You're not alone. You're safe."

Shadow stayed quiet, but his breathing began to slow. After several minutes, his shaking was reduced to small tremors, and his breathing was mostly even, aside from the occasional hiccup.

"Thank you." He whispered into Sonic's body.

"You good?"

"Yes. You can let go."

They unraveled, Sonic taking a seat in front of Shadow.

“...What happened?”

Shadow looked over to the TV, which had been paused. He grabbed the remote and turned it off, sighing.

“I ought to not watch action shows. I was doing better, recently, about the gunshots, but… I guess I’m not ready to deal with them while I’m by myself.”

_ Gunshots… Oh. _

“Where are Rouge and Omega?”

“Out shopping. They were supposed to be back in two hours, so I thought I’d be okay.” His expression tightened again, “What time is it?”

Sonic checked his phone, “Four fifteen.”

Shadow exhaled. “They should be back at four thirty.”

“...Why didn’t you call them first? Not that I didn’t want to help. I’m just surprised you wouldn’t let them know right away.”

“...You were the first person I thought of.” Shadow answered honestly. “Thank you for coming.”

“Don’t mention it,” Sonic felt his face heat up, “I owed you one. And I’m not just gonna sit around while my friend has a panic attack.”

Shadow smiled tiredly. “If it isn’t a problem, could you stay until they get back?”

“You kidding? You couldn’t make me leave you alone even if you wanted me to!”

They moved to the couch, and Sonic turned on his phone to let Tails know where he was. While he was typing, Shadow scooted closer and leaned into him.

Usually, any foreign touch sent a horrible chill up Sonic’s spine, but for some reason, he didn’t mind this. Maybe because they’d hugged earlier.

Or maybe just because it was Shadow.

“Sorry,” Shadow pulled away suddenly, “I didn’t ask if I could-”

“It’s fine!” Sonic said a little too quickly. “I don’t mind.”

The hybrid turned his gaze away. “It’s just… Physical contact helps keep me grounded.”

Sonic smiled and looped his arm around Shadow’s, linking their hands together.

“Does this help?”

“...Yeah.” Shadow blushed.

Did he like holding his hand, too?

_ Don’t be stupid. He’s embarrassed that he has to touch you. _

He tried to dismiss the cruel, doubtful thoughts, but… Part of him believed them. At least he could help Shadow, even if he was horribly mortified to even touch Sonic.

He sent the message to Tails, then closed the app. His internet browser caught his eye- it still had the list of phone numbers open. He huffed.

“Something the matter?”

“...I was gonna try to call the doctor to get tested, but…” He swallowed his pride- Shadow knew all about his struggles already. “I can’t do phone calls. I wish I could just send a message.”

“I can call them.”

“Wh-” Sonic stumbled over his words, “What? You can? Isn’t it confidential?”

“Not necessarily. Someone else can make appointments, they just can’t give out your medical information. Here, I can call them for you now.”

Sonic was stunned, but handed over his phone. Shadow skimmed the list of phone numbers until he found the one he wanted, then dialed it. It rang for a few seconds, then was answered by the automatic machine. Shadow listened intently, occasionally hitting some numbers for the correct options until the receptionist picked up.

He casually worked through the conversation, asking Sonic for the correct information when he needed it. In only a few minutes, it was over.

Shadow made it look like the easiest thing in the world.

“...How the hell do you do that?”

Shadow chuckled. “I make lots of phone calls for work.”

_ It's easy, you just can't do it. _

Shadow must have heard his thoughts or something. "Everyone has certain things they struggle with. I struggle with being alone for more than an hour. You struggle with phone calls." His grip on Sonic's hand tightened the tiniest bit. If Sonic weren't so sensitive to touch, he wouldn't have noticed. "Simple things really aren't that simple. Everyone's 'easy' is different."

Sonic was quiet for a moment before he leaned his weight onto Shadow.

"Thanks for doing that. It really helps."

Shadow shifted towards Sonic as well, silencing any doubt that he didn't want to be close.

"It's the least I can do."

A strangely peaceful pause settled over their conversation. Shadow closed his eyes, still gathering his bearings from his panic. Sonic started bobbing his leg to keep himself from going crazy. He didn't dislike this position in the slightest, but he also wasn't used to sitting so still. Shadow didn't seem to mind.

Despite how much Sonic enjoyed being this close to Shadow, boredom started to creep in. Damn his short attention span. He clicked his phone on, scrolling through the sea of brief stimulation. He chuckled at a post, alerting Shadow to what he was doing. To his surprise, he didn't chastise him for ruining the moment or not paying attention. He simply smiled and closed his eyes again.

God, this was nice.

At exactly four thirty, the doorknob twisted, making Sonic jolt a bit. Rouge strolled in, placing a single plastic bag on the floor. Omega stomped in behind her with the rest of the groceries.

"Welcome back," Shadow piped up. Sonic waved awkwardly.

"Hey, hun!" Rouge noticed the other hedgehog. "What are you doing here, Blue?"

"I had a panic attack." Shadow provided.

The bat immediately became a doting caregiver. "Oh, dear- Are you alright? Do you need anything?" She hurried around the couch and gave Shadow a hug. "I'm sorry we left you here by yourself, sweetie-"

"You asked if I wanted to come along, it's my own fault."

"It's nobody's  _ fault,  _ Shadow." She backed up, giving him a stern, almost motherly look. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he seemed completely relieved now that the other two were home. "Sonic helped me."

"Expressing gratitude," Omega finally spoke from across the apartment.

"Yeah, thank you, Blue."

"Don't mention it, seriously. I care about Shadow, too. I'm happy to help out."

Shadow seemed to blush at that.

"Okay, well, since you guys are here, guess I should head home!" He squeezed Shadow's hand gently one last time before standing.

"Be safe. Text us when you get home!" Rouge turned and sashayed into the kitchen before putting the groceries away.

Sonic glanced down at Shadow. The hybrid stood up.

"I'll talk to you tonight."

"Cool. Take it easy, okay, faker?"

Shadow smiled. Then, he turned to glance towards the kitchen, checking to see that his teammates were distracted. He leaned towards Sonic's head. Sonic, thinking he wanted to whisper something, leaned forward, too, tilting the side of his head closer.

Shadow's lips touched his cheek.

It was a brief peck- it had to be, so the other two didn't notice. But still, Sonic must have flushed bright red.

He had turned his head. Shadow wasn't aiming for his cheek.

Before he could truly react, the darker hedgehog was pushing him towards the door.

"Okay, get out."

"Sh- Shadow, wait!" His heart was racing.

He opened the door and stepped out with him, closing it behind them.

"You… Can we try that again?"

Shadow chuckled and leaned forward again, and this time, Sonic got the memo. Their lips touched, and the kiss, while still brief, lasted longer than the last one.

Sonic found he had no idea what he was doing. Yet, for once, it felt more like an adventure than a terrifying obstacle.

They separated and breathed, simply looking at each other.

"I didn't think… You felt that way, too." Sonic didn't know what else to say.

"I do." Shadow smiled again- God, what a sight. "I figured I should make the first move."

"Yeah. I was stuck. Kinda scared." He admitted.

"Well, now neither of us has to be."

"You're amazing."

"Get home safe. I'll talk to you soon."

"For sure." Shadow placed his hand on the doorknob, and Sonic's tongue slipped. "-Love you." Fire burned in his throat at the mistake. His claws ached to dig into his own arm.

Shadow stopped and looked Sonic in the eye before responding.

"I love you, too."

And with that, he went back inside.

Sonic's fear swung in the opposite direction, to absolute elation. The fire in him changed to electricity and overwhelmed him completely. He couldn't contain it- he shook his arms and head, he chirped and buzzed, he spun around. His joy was too much for his body, and it poured out of him like pure sunlight.

When he stopped, he had to take several moments to level his breathing.

He was so happy.

For once, that stupid little voice had nothing to say. No room for misinterpretation or lies.

Shadow loved him.

His phone buzzed, and he checked it. Tails asked him to bring home dinner. He smiled and replied that he would, and that he was leaving right now.

Once he'd calmed down, he took off.


End file.
